Happiness
by bioticblackops
Summary: After Ilos Kaidan has no idea where he and Shepard stand but he's afraid to bring it up in case it might end ... whatever it is they have. Fluff, sex and insecurities.


The world was a soft place and it smelled of soap, sweat and skin. Something was gently and evenly massaging his scalp, eliciting a content sigh from him. The sound made the movement stop and this, more than the touch itself, slowly brought him back to a waking state. Enough at least to notice his head was resting on something warm that was calmly and steadily moving up and down beneath him.

"Don't stop," Kaidan mumbled without thinking, without opening his eyes.

No longer than a heartbeat later the massage started again, as gentle as before. Perfect. Satisfied Kaidan sighted again, even though every hope of returning back to sleep had vanished by now. Consciousness slowly begaZn to take over his mind, forcing him to take stock of his situation. Lazily he opened his eyes, only to be greeted with the tenderness of naked skin, soft valleys made from flesh and bone. It took him a few seconds, still distracted by the relaxing work being done to his scalp, to realize his head was resting on a hip, chin just above the hipbone, his left hand placed on the inside of a thigh. Tender skin and hard muscles beneath, softness mixed with strength. Just like …

Kaidan's eyes flew fully open, blinking against the half-dark of the cabin. His brain was still fuzzy, he had no idea how long he had been out but bit by bit the memories of where he was and how he'd come into this situation returned to him. And with it the realization who he was currently resting on.

For a moment, there was panic. Pure, white hot panic in his gut, that he had crossed a line. Broken an unspoken rule between them by staying, by falling asleep not only next to her but more or less on her, clinging to her like the lifeline he feared she already was but couldn't and shouldn't be. Not yet, not ever.

Before the thought had the chance to fully form and turn his stomach into a cold pit, the sensation of her fingers still slowly combing through his hair took over again, making way for another one.

He might've been the one falling asleep next to her after an absolutely perfect example of reg-breaking at its finest, but it was her willingly, consciously searching for contact. She didn't need to touch him but she did, tenderly so. She had started before he'd even been awake. That at least had to count for something. He let go of a breath he hadn't been aware of holding.

Dispelling the wistful possibilities treacherously forming in his mind, Kaidan slowly turned his head, pushing himself up on his other arm to look at the woman the rest of his body was still pressed against. At one point after he'd fallen asleep she'd half-sat up, shoulders resting against the headboard as if she'd planned to read but the data pad on her nightstand looked untouched. Shepard herself was still gloriously naked, she had not even pulled up the thin sheet to cover herself. It took every inch of self-control he could muster in his dozy state to look past the creamy mounts slightly blocking his view, dangerously trying to catch his attention with their half hardened peaks, and into her face. Shepard's hair was still messy from when he'd woven his fingers into it, drawing her face closer to his to capture her moans what could only have been a few hours ago.

"Not helping," he warned his brain, trying to keep his reaction to the memories it helpfully supplied in check.

The tiniest of smiles danced across her lips, showing him that it was okay that he had fallen asleep, helping him push back the voice arguing that he was breaking rules he didn't even know.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you," Shepard said, fingers drawing circles onto his skin. When he'd moved, so had her hand now tracing patters on the back of his head and neck, close to his implant. He had to fight a moan trying to break free, startling himself with the unexpected reaction. Usually any proximity to this particular area was less than welcome. Right now he couldn't remember why, he just wanted to melt under her touch.

"You didn't," Kaidan mumbled, voice thick from sleep. The corner of her mouth twitched, letting him know she didn't buy his bullshit but wasn't bothered enough to call him out on it. Instead it seemed to amuse her.

Kaidan wanted to ask how long he'd been out but found that he didn't care. He should, he knew that. Time was running and the crew would be back from their leave in just a few short days ending their … whatever it was. Something he didn't want to give up and something he wasn't sure he could give up, even if he wanted to. The reality of the thought was sobering.

Shepard seemed pick up on his changing mood because the movement of her hand slowed. Her eyes were searching his face, brows slightly furrowed. Unwillingly the tension began to return into Kaidan's body.

He couldn't help the constant fear that one wrong word, one wrong movement, would drive her away. Would make her realize that this was a mistake. That he was a mistake. He knew it was stupid to even hope that this was anything but a few stolen hours of stress relief for her but his treacherous heart couldn't care less about the desperate rationality of his thoughts.

"What's the matter?" Kaidan tried to keep his concern out of his voice, failing hard.

"I never know what you are thinking," Shepard said, the admission apparently surprising her as much as him. Her face was puzzled like it was the least thing she'd ever expected and knowing her and the way she picked up on pretty much everything, he couldn't blame her. Shepard seemed to be able to know what people were about to think before they did. The idea that she couldn't with him seemed ridiculous. Before he could stop himself, a breathless laugh escaped him.

"Me? Look who is talking," Kaidan said with a smirk, fingers slowly trailing higher on the inside of her thigh, eliciting a small shudder from her. "I always feel like an open book compared to you. Especially to you."

The tiny smile returned to her lips, the rare sight making his heart stutter. Placing her free hand on his face, she gently guided him up and toward her until their lips were almost but not quite touching. She didn't cross that last distance but looked at him instead, eyes searching his but for what he couldn't say.

Kaidan would always treasure the first time their lips had met, the first time they had decided to throw all caution to the wind and live for another night that might very well have been their last. Every time since then had felt different. Even with all the stolen moments - more than he had ever hoped for, less than would satisfy his need for her - this time felt nothing like the before. Something in her eyes was different and for a moment he hoped to see the reflection of his own mislead feelings. When she crossed the small gap all thoughts vanished, making room for the sensation of her lips moving against his. The kiss was soft, careful, almost hesitant. It all but felt like a first kiss and maybe, in a way, it was. Just a mere caress of lips as neither of them were deepening it, reveling the simple beauty of being able to touch each other at all.

He could feel Shepard's smile against him, making his heart skip another beat. He was close to drawing back just to look at it, to marvel at the sight and the fact that he could do what so few seemed to be able to. To burn it into his memory, the scarce sight of Commander Shepard smiling, something more than a few crewman claimed impossible. The thought made Kaidan almost giddy, drawing another small laugh from him.

Puzzled Shepard pulled back to look at him, instantly having him regret following his impulse.

"I'm sorry, I'm just…"

"Just?"

"Happy," he finished lamely, feeling heat creeping into his cheeks while mentally throwing himself out of the airlock. For a moment Shepard just stared at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly open as if it had been the last thing she'd ever expected hearing from him. It was the first time since he'd known her that she seemed at a loss for words. If he hadn't be so certain to just have added another episode to his infamous foot-in-mouth-series that would finally get him kicked out of her bed, he'd probably have laughed. Kaidan was about to apologize again when she bridged the brief distance between them to seal his lips with hers, his new favorite way of hers telling him to just shut up.

Before he could even react to the virgorous onslaught, Shepard threw one of her legs over his body, suddenly and effectively switching their positions and rolling Kaidan under her. Hands still woven into his hair, she straddled his hips, her center close enough to his to make him very aware they were both still very naked but not touching. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, hands firmly grabbing her butt to guide her where he desperately needed her to be. Shepard refused to move even an inch, holding onto his head, kissing him breathless. Instead of further trying to lead her, his hands left her behind to wander over her hip up to her breasts.

With the nails of this thumbs he scratched over Shepard's nipples, sending a shockwave through her whole body which formed another idea entirely. Before he could talk himself out of it, convince himself that it was too soon, that it was a bad idea, he flared. A blue shimmer ran over his body, teasingly brushing Shepard's thanks to their closeness. Surprised she tore her mouth from his, throwing her head back to give a long, deep moan that went directly to his groin. Her eyes fluttered shut, fingers digging deeper into his hair and he could feel her knees pressing into his sides as if to hold on to him. Kaidan's lips found her lawline, following it with open mouthed kisses while Shepard tried to regain the ability to breath. Her pulse beat against her skin, directly under Kaidan's mouth when he started travelling south, marveling the fact that he could so easily rattle her infamous control. It wasn't the first time he had used biotics in bed but it was the first time the reaction of his partner was so … encouraging.

He was about to send another wave of biotics over them, abusing everything he knew about the way barriers should be used in the progress, when Shepard grasped his lengh, sending his head spinning.

"Not fair," he rasped against her collarbone, lips and teeth gazing over silken skin. He heard Shepard's breathless laugh next to his ear but he didn't even get the chance to be awed by the sound when her hand began moving up and down his shaft. His grip tightened around her breasts, cupping them fully. Kaidan tried to concentrate enough to focus his biotics on his hands but the woman straddling him made thinking very difficult. He wasn't sure if he succeeded because at the same time Shepard gasped, she gave his lengh a firm squeeze, making his mind blank for a precious heartbeat. The next thing he knew was that his tip was at Shepard's entrance, banishing every other coherent thought from his mind.

Kaidan gave up his biotic experimentation for now to push his head from the collarbone of the woman above him, looking her straight in the face. Her eyes were wide, staring down at him in a mixture of wonder and something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Something he so desperately wanted to see there, it seemed more likely to be a cruel figment of his imagination than reality. Her hair was a fiery halo around her head, messy and so very unlike the regulations bun she usually wore. She looked careless and free in a way duty, and maybe life, never allowed her to be. It was a sight he knew he wouldn't foget until the day his heart stopped.

The moment Shepard slipped onto him was the same her lips found his again, taking both of their breaths away. For a few precious seconds they stayed perfectly still, just savoring the feeling of each other. The universe faded away and there was nothing but the warmth of Shepard's smooth skin, the softness of her reddened lips, the heat of her damp core, the sound of her uneven breathing.

The desire to draw her even closer took over so he pushed himself up, curling his arms around her torso to pull her into a crushing embrace. Shepard slung her arms around his neck, steadily moving in his lab. She flicked her tongue over the scar on his lip before placing a tender kiss on it, much too gentle for punishing beat of their hearts, the powerful roll of her hips. His eyes followed her every movement, torn between wanting to hold her gaze and look at where they were joined, watching her ride him into their climax. Soon their pace became frantic, he could feel she was already close and he wasn't far behind.

Kaidan took one hand from Shepard's back, sneaking it between their bodies. Shepard only had a second to realize what he was about to do before his calloused fingers connected with her sensitive spot and her world shattered. She tightened around him, fingernails digging into his shoulders in what would have been painful in any other situation, holding onto him while moaning his name. It didn't take more for Kaidan to follow her over the edge, waves of passion crashing down on him, pulling him under and drowning him without any chance of salvation.

It took him a few long moments to come back to the surface, heart still thundering in his chest, breath ragged and body slack. Shepard was still sitting on his lap, arms losely around his neck, warm breath unevenly ghosting over his sweaty skin. Neither of them moved, still not wanting to let go of the other, even as their heartbeats began to slow and the sweat to dry on their skin.

Shepard put her forehead to his, sighing contently. When Kaidan finally opened his eyes, he found her looking at him, searching his eyes as she had before. Something in them had changed but he couldn't say what it was, if it was good or bad. Blessfully his mind was still slow and muddled from pleasure and before he could overthink it, he got his answer. Moving her mouth closer to his Shepard whispered "I am too" before stealing his answer with a kiss.


End file.
